Love, it’s a complicated topic. Sure, it may be easy to describe the feeling or interpret it to our own accord. However, Love as the bible describes it, and loving as we are called to, thats a whole different issue. For how do you even begin to “Love your enemies” as Jesus says to, how does one begin to “love your wife as Christ loved the church”. We all know the scriptures but are we really ready and willing to actually live them out. It is easy to love your enemy if they love you first, and it is easy to love your wife and sacrifice yourself for her when she makes it easy to, but what about when she disrespects you? What about when your enemy sets you up for failure, or throws you under the buss to move ahead of you and take that bonus or job you have been working hard for?
Don’t we honestly make justifications for our love? We love these verses in the bible that tell us to love our enemies and love and sacrifice for our wives, but we are quick to make justifications for why we do or don't do them. What makes the gospel compelling is not only what is said but the actions that were lived out, Jesus said humbling and difficult things, but He didn’t just proclaim them He actually did them. We love receiving the love of Christ, which is total sacrifice…total undeserved grace…a love that loves without reason, because we are so undeserving it is overwhelming when we receive the love of God, when we truly can see our own sin, how selfishly motivated and how wrong we are in the eyes of GOD the Holy and righteous Judge, and yet we are granted that forgiveness, that mercy and grace that is completely contrary to what we actually deserve, because what we have honestly stored up for ourselves should be wrath and indignation but we are granted the opposite, are we not in awe and amazement? We know that is love without a shadow of a doubt because it comes undeservedly so….we know it is forgiveness because we are getting opposite of what we actually deserve, and we know its something we can not earn for ourselves….we can’t buy the love of God with what we have to offer, we can’t earn it with good works, because no good works can overshadow who we are by nature in and of our own doing.
This is my purpose in this rant; “Love without reason” For example: if you love your wife because she is perfect…first of all you are delusional because she's not, but if you love her because of what she does for you…that is not love…that is loving what is being done for you, your loving on feeling and as long as that person or thing continues to make you feel that way you will love them/it but once it stops you won’t…that is not love. If that was love God would of stopped loving us a long time ago. Love is expression and devotion above opposition, love is a work, it is difficult to do and it takes effort, it takes surrender, and to love in the way the bible describes it takes the renewing of your mind and living in the spirit.
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 1 Peter 3:8
It takes a humble mind, one that will sacrifice their own well being for someone else…that is love. It’s easy to love others when they agree with us, when we are like minded, when we have the same goals and ideals, as believers we are called to a higher calling of love. We are called to show a difference, and we have the opportunity every single day to show grace, the same forgiveness and grace that God showed us. If we really believe God is in control it makes it easy to love our enemy…we would know God will look out for us, instead of seething with jealousy over a promotion of someone we consider an enemy…what if we swallowed our pride and congratulated? Even if they stepped over us to get ahead…
What if when our spouse disrespects us we show a difference and don’t do it back? What if we actually
….Love without reason..
Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit;
let him turn away from evil and do good;
let him seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their prayer.
But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. 1 Peter 3:9-16
Beware of the pleasant view of the fatherhood of God: God is so kind and loving that of course He will forgive us. That thought, based solely on emotion, cannot be found anywhere in the New Testament. The only basis on which God can forgive us is the tremendous tragedy of the Cross of Christ. To base our forgiveness on any other ground is unconscious blasphemy. The only ground on which God can forgive our sin and reinstate us to His favor is through the Cross of Christ. There is no other way! Forgiveness, which is so easy for us to accept, cost the agony at Calvary. We should never take the forgiveness of sin, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and our sanctification in simple faith, and then forget the enormous cost to God that made all of this ours.-(My Utmost For His Highest Nov.20th)
Your Salvation does not come free. God does not just simply forgive, God is just and He is Holy, God doesn't merely forgive you because He is love. God isn't a big hippy in the sky
who is required to forgive you because all he knows is "love".
You can not earn salvation and Gods love, you are fallen
fallible man, you are horrible, you are wicked and the only
thing you deserve is GODS righteous just wrath, the only
thing you deserve is eternal punishment. Your salvation is
NOT FREE! the wrath and anger of our just God was poured
out onto God in the flesh Christ Jesus, only through the sacrificial lamb are you forgiven. It is only free in the sense
that you did nothing to deserve or earn such forgiveness,
and there is nothing you can do.
Christ was sacrificed, He accepted the cup, accepted the Fathers will.
"O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me;
nevertheless, not as I will, but as YOU will."
Matthew 26:39
He took the wrath of God that you deserve, paid the price
so you could be made clean. otherwise God couldn't even
look upon you.. because you're filthy and sinful in His eyes.
You can not humanize God, you can't put him in a little box
and make Him who you want Him to be,
You can't simply ignore that God is not just love,
He is also a God of wrath and isn't oblivious to open rebellion. You can't say God will just simply forgive me
because He loves me, there was nothing simple and easy
with Christ shedding His blood for you on the cross.
The death of Jesus Christ is the fulfillment in history of the very mind and intent of God. There is no place for seeing Jesus Christ as a martyr. His death was not something that happened to Him— something that might have been prevented. His death was the very reason He came.
Never build your case for forgiveness on the idea that God is our Father and He will forgive us because He loves us. That contradicts the revealed truth of God in Jesus Christ. It makes the Cross unnecessary, and the redemption “much ado about nothing.” God forgives sin only because of the death of Christ. God could forgive people in no other way than by the death of His Son, and Jesus is exalted as Savior because of His death. “We see Jesus . . . for the suffering of death crowned with glory and honor . . .” (Hebrews 2:9). The greatest note of triumph ever sounded in the ears of a startled universe was that sounded on the Cross of Christ— “It is finished!” (John 19:30). That is the final word in the redemption of humankind.
Anything that lessens or completely obliterates the holiness of God, through a false view of His love, contradicts the truth of God as revealed by Jesus Christ. Never allow yourself to believe that Jesus Christ stands with us, and against God, out of pity and compassion, or that He became a curse for us out of sympathy for us. Jesus Christ became a curse for us by divine decree. Our part in realizing the tremendous meaning of His curse is the conviction of sin. Conviction is given to us as a gift of shame and repentance; it is the great mercy of God. Jesus Christ hates the sin in people, and Calvary is the measure of His hatred.
(My Utmost For His Highest Nov.21st)
And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins
Ephesians 2:1
Repent or Perish
But unless you repent you will all likewise perish
have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
Psalms 51:1-4
All this talk of sin/depression and thinking negative..
has made me think about how I use to be,
and how much has changed in my life.
Again.. I'm not saying I'm perfect and I never sin..
Because there has been a few times recently I've
done some things in my heart I knew was wrong but I gave into
that desire to sin. So many times before
i'd feel so guilty..so ashamed.... of that thought I had
or certain words I spoke or how I treated this person or that person
or how I lusted after this girl or that girl,
I'd feel so ashamed and guilty that I would fall into depression,
and like I said last blog...those whisperings would come along
"You are a disgrace"
"God doesn't love you"
"he doesn't want to hear your prayers"
God has been weighing on my heart recently
Hebrews 13:5 where he says:
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you"
does it say if you do this work or that work? no...
does it say I'll never leave you unless you sin then you're on your own? no...
God knows the beginning and the end,
he knows every screw up we were going to make before we were even born!
Listen if we could be perfect little angels,
then Jesus dying on that cross for our sins would have been pointless!
THINK ABOUT IT!
Do you everwonder why?
I mean why me oh Lord? you died for me?
you want a relationship with me?
you love me for me?
Christ loves us failures and all!
I've been trying to comprehend such love,
and I know it's humanly impossible for any of us to ever truly comprehend,
but when I fall down...I hear him saying
"Keep your eyes on me, look at me...don't focus on what you did
or didn't do...I'm here to help you up. You strayed off the path
I want you on a bit but I love you and I want you to
move forward. Don't be down on yourself..
look at how far you have come my son..."
So it got me thinking how I use to be before
Christ truly came into my life, and I'd figured I'd
share a little bit of that.
Now I was born with only 1 very small kidney...
the doctors told my parents that in my teen years
I'd most likely need a transplant.
Now I knew this...but my parents and I never really
focused on it, I didn't go for checkups or anything..
never had to go to a hospital..
never went for a physical to play sports,
it was just something that I think my parents and
I just didn't even think about.
I'm sure it was always in the back of my parents minds,
but it was never brought up, until I was 16 or 17..
and my mom says she noticed I was always tired,
now I can't tell you, at that age, I felt any different then I ever did.
None the less I got a check up and it turned out
that I needed a transplant as soon as possible,
It was a hard time for everyone in the family obviously.
I personally don't think it really hit me until we were in Seattle
and everything started happening so fast.
When I was told "You need a transplant asap"
in my head i was like
"ok? so I have to go into a hospital..that sucks,
but ill go in get a kidney and come right out"
like I figured you go into a hospital for a couple days
get the transplant and be done with it.
I guess I missed the whole part about..
'Medication for life....never ending blood tests...hospital stays
and doctors visits"
At that age and specially during that time..
I was struggling with believing there was a God.
I grew up in a christian home that was full of love,
but somewhere along the way I wanted nothing to do with
God or a christian life. I'd rather sit in my room
and dwell on what I called the "reality of life"
which in my eyes was "everything sucks" and
"F--- the world" (needless to say I wasn't
the happiest positive out looking kid).
Then of course came the transplant I was talking about
which only pushed me farther away.
Like I said I thought a transplant wasn't that big of a deal..
but then we moved from our home in Idaho
to be closer to Seattle(better hospital care)
and then it started to sink in..
It wasn't going to be so quick and easy.
With the first doctor visits.. came the first testings,
and the first overnight in the hospital,
and me throwing my little pity-parties of 'why me'.
Like I said I was pretty depressed and far from God
before the transplant talks and move to Seattle even happened,
so all this really just weighed me down even more.
Then came the news of.. I would have to get
"dialysis" before I can get a transplant.
"Oh joy...now not only am I going to the doctors like every 3 weeks,
now I get some tube sticking out of my body"
was pretty much my general thoughts on that,
and that came and went as did the transplant.
Looking back at it now everything went pretty smoothly..
but I was so focused on... me, myself and I
and why it happened to me and why this and why that,
that I didn't care that it could have been much worse.
Then came the lovely medication, which I was told
I would be on for life to keep the Kidney from rejecting..
and being told to stay away from crowds of people
because I would now have a low immune system, and
can get sick very easily.
I seriously can't remember alot that happened in those first 3/4 years...
17-21 is kind of a blur to me,
all I remember is hospital visits and high doses of Prednisone ..
lets just say at high doses it's side effects(in my eyes)
far out way the positives. Not only
did it add to my depressed state..
but I was like one giant walking mood swing,
and with all these different meds came weight gain
anemia, acne, shacking, eye problems ect..
I already had low self esteem and all that
didn't help one bit.
All I did was curse God through every step of the process,
I would continually say in my head and to myself
"If there even is a God...he must hate me"
I figured in my twisted little head,
that if God was real then he is causing all this to happen to me,
and he was getting some sort of sick pleasure out of it.
I can't even count the times my parents would talk about God,
and inside I'd be fueling with rage at even the mention of him.
I already had this mind set of "nobody can understand my pain"
before the transplant talks even came about,
and now I had my excuse, I had my muse to hold on to...
Now it really was true...
My parents...my brother...nobody around me could
understand my "pain/sorrow" or what I was going through
I was on my own, and if this life was all there was...what was the point?
why live? there's no God...no afterlife..it's all a bunch
of fairy tails to make people feel better.
I wanted a way out, I hated every aspect of my life,
and with everything that happened with hospital bills
and the move away from Idaho, and nobody who can understand.
I just felt like the biggest burden in the world,
I figured my family would have been better off if I was never born,
at least then they wouldn't have to be dragged through all this.
My flesh and sinful desires...my mind, every part of me
had lost control, and I was just a puppet satan had his way with.
Constantly he would whisper in my ear thoughts of death
and suicide. I remember holding a bottle of pills
and wondering; 'Why don't I just take them all and see what happens'
or holding a knife to my wrist before I started to just
sob uncontrollably and throw it to the ground.
There was never a time I ever felt in control
or in my mind felt at peace...It was always negative
I had some serious issues, and during these times..
I was writing "poetry" obviously not happy poetry like:
"roses are red violets are blue..."
more along the lines of..
"If there comes a time when I look into your Gods face.
I'll spit in it....Just to give him a taste.
Of his empty words upon fallen grace. "
reading that now..and looking back on all I've written down
I feel disgusted, and ashamed that I ever thought that way.
You see I use to write alot, and when I say alot...
I mean daily, I use to write for a couple years straight
on a community poetry site. People would rate and comment,
and I remember the only time I felt any sort of happiness was
when I was writing all this crap, and people seemed to enjoy it.
It seemed there was finally people who could relate and understand,
and writing these rants and raves against God and pain
just inflated my ego. I remember with a bible in my hand
I would thumb through it just so I could twist
and distort it into my own messed up view, and please
the people who were reading my crap.
Believe it or not at this low point
is actually the time I started finding Christ
for something started happening when I was reading..
It seemed as if sometimes I'd open it and right there,
there was a verse I needed to hear.
The scales started to fall from my eyes,
and I do remember asking God one time
"if you are real God...prove it"
and nothing magical happened,
he didn't appear in front of me and slap me in the face or anything
( he should have...cuz I needed one)
It took awhile, but through his own timing and through his will..
my life started to change, and His word, which I was trying to distort,
started to actually make sense.
Like I said alot of things through those years are kind of fuzzy,
and even now I can't truly explain how it happened...
but I started to realize I never really gave him a chance.
Even though I was going through a lot, not only could it have
been much worse, but I could start to see
how much he protected me, and just how much he loved me.
Like I said it wasn't just one moment where I just sat up,
and I was like "OMG I SEE THE LIGHT!"
no...for me it happened very slowly, and my
writing started to change, I didn't set out
to change how I was writing or feeling...
It just sort of happened. I've kept almost everything
I have ever written, and when I reread it..
most of the time I shake my head at how lost and blind I really was,
but also I can see how slowly but surely a change happened.
Now I'm not saying wam bam I became a Christian and a follower,
no because I had a lot to learn,and I still do.
I know once I started to seek God more
it pissed Satan off to no end, it just seems
like one bad thing after another would happen if I even tried to know him more.
This is where Kidney rejection came along,
and it was a major test for me, which I failed miserably.
Now we were all back in Idaho by this time,
I started seeking God more and out of nowhere
working at a new Job things going pretty good...
BAM I miss a couple doses of pills and I'm back in a hospital bed
getting pumped full of prednisone through an IV, and doctors
telling me I may have to get another transplant in a couple years.
Telling me that a good portion of my Kidney is just useless now,
and they are now not sure how long this good part will last.
I remember one of the trips to the hospital
I didn't want to hear anything about God...not from
my dad not from my mom not from anyone,
and I remember my mom telling me
"This is just a test...be strong..Job this and Job that"
and in my head i'm thinking
"F--- Job..."
I remember standing on a scale being weighed by the nurse,
and it came up being 66.6 Kg's I remember the nurse saying
"Oh..um..lets wait a second until that number changes"
looking back now I can see it truly was a test,
I'm not saying God was saying
"Ha Ha! I will test your faith now!"
I'm saying satan was pissed and he was going to do anything
to try and get me to go back to denying Christ.
It worked...for a short while..
but praise God for he again reached down and picked me up...
he dusted me off and said "I love you"
even when I kept saying "I hate you!"
he loved me...and that kind of love..
his sacrifice, him dieing for all of us
is just something that truly is amazing...
because as you can see by reading this
I didn't, nor do I now... deserve his Love..
I just found this artist and song last week,
and I thought this was totally fitting...
Because it truly is to my surprise that I am where I am right now,
that God never gave up on me, even though I gave up on him..
The clock strikes 3 A.M. now, speak
Stone cold, I've suffered much defeat
How could you look at what I am
with grace, forgiveness now at hand?
Quickly come, let me fall now in your arms
To my surprise you heard my cries,
Lord Jesus rescue me
To my surprise you gave your life
Lord Jesus rescue me
Caught up in what I've tried to hide
Regret lives on I can't deny
Though camouflaged the truth reveals
this emptiness, it will not yield
Do not tarry Lord I waiver
Do not tarry I can not resist
This time you must aid, assist
Quickly come, let me fall now in your arms
To my surprise you heard my cries,
Lord Jesus rescue me
To my surprise you gave your life
Lord Jesus rescue me
