Hebrews 13:5 & Testimony

Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions. Wash away

all me iniquity and cleanse me from sin.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin 

is always before me. Against you, you only,

have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you are proved right when you speak

and justified when you judge.

                                            Psalms 51:1-4

All this talk of sin/depression and thinking negative..

has made me think about how I use to be,

and how much has changed in my life.

Again.. I'm not saying I'm perfect and I never sin..

Because there has been a few times recently I've

done some things in my heart I knew was wrong but I gave into

 that desire to sin. So many times before

i'd feel so guilty..so ashamed.... of that  thought I had

or certain words I spoke or how I treated this person or that person

or how I lusted after this girl or that girl,

I'd feel so ashamed and guilty that I would fall into depression,

and like I said last blog...those whisperings would come along

"You are a disgrace"

"God doesn't love you"

"he doesn't want to hear your prayers"

God has been weighing on my heart recently

Hebrews 13:5 where he says:

"Never will I leave you;

never will I forsake you"

does it say if you do this work or that work? no...

does it say I'll never leave you unless you sin then you're on your own? no...

God knows the beginning and the end,

he knows every screw up we were going to make before we were even born!

Listen if we could be perfect little angels,

then Jesus dying on that cross for our sins would have been pointless!

THINK ABOUT IT!

Do you ever wonder why?

I mean why me oh Lord? you died for me?

you want a relationship with me?

you love me for me? 

Christ loves us failures and all!

I've been trying to comprehend such love,

and I know it's humanly impossible for any of us to ever truly comprehend,

but when I fall down...I hear him saying

"Keep your eyes on me, look at me...don't focus on what you did

or didn't do...I'm here to help you up. You strayed off the path

I want you on a bit but I love you and I want you to

move forward. Don't be down on yourself..

look at how far you have come my son..."

So it got me thinking how I use to be before 

Christ truly came into my life, and I'd figured I'd

share a little bit of that.

Now I was born with only 1 very small kidney...

the doctors told my parents that in my teen years

I'd most likely need a transplant.

Now I knew this...but my parents and I never really

focused on it, I didn't go for checkups or anything..

never had to go to a hospital..

never went for a physical to play sports,

it was just something that I think my parents and

I just didn't even think about.

I'm sure it was always in the back of my parents minds,

but it was never brought up, until I was 16 or 17..

and my mom says she noticed I was always tired,

now I can't tell you, at that age, I felt any different then I ever did.

None the less I got a check up and it turned out

that I needed a transplant as soon as possible,

It was a hard time for everyone in the family obviously.

I personally don't think it really hit me until we were in Seattle

and everything started happening so fast.

When I was told "You need a transplant asap"

in my head i was like 

"ok? so I have to go into a hospital..that sucks,

but ill go in get a kidney and come right out"

like I figured you go into a hospital for a couple days

get the transplant and be done with it.

I guess I missed the whole part about..

'Medication for life....never ending blood tests...hospital stays

and doctors visits"

At that age and specially during that time..

I was struggling with believing there was a God.

I grew up in a christian home that was full of love,

but somewhere along the way I wanted nothing to do with

God or a christian life. I'd rather sit in my room

and dwell on what I called the "reality of life"

which in my eyes was "everything sucks" and

"F--- the world" (needless to say I wasn't

the happiest positive out looking kid).

Then of course came the transplant I was talking about

which only pushed me farther away.

Like I said I thought a transplant wasn't that big of a deal..

but then we moved from our home in Idaho

to be closer to Seattle(better hospital care)

and then it started to sink in..

It wasn't going to be so quick and easy.

With the first doctor visits.. came the first testings,

and the first overnight in the hospital,

and me throwing my little pity-parties of 'why me'.

Like I said I was pretty depressed and far from God

before the transplant talks and move to Seattle even happened,

so all this really just weighed me down even more.

Then came the news of.. I would have to get 

"dialysis" before I can get a transplant.

"Oh joy...now not only am I going to the doctors like every 3 weeks,

now I get some tube sticking out of my body"

was pretty much my general thoughts on that,

and that came and went as did the transplant.

Looking back at it now everything went pretty smoothly..

but I was so focused on... me, myself and I

and why it happened to me and why this and why that,

 that I didn't care that it could have been much worse.

Then came the lovely medication, which I was told

I would be on for life to keep the Kidney from rejecting..

and being told to stay away from crowds of people

because I would now have a low immune system, and

can get sick very easily.

I seriously can't remember alot that happened in those first 3/4 years...

17-21 is kind of a blur to me,

all I remember is hospital visits and high doses of Prednisone ..

lets just say at high doses it's side effects(in my eyes)

far out way the positives. Not only

did it  add to my depressed state..

but I was like one giant walking mood swing,

and with all these different meds came weight gain

anemia, acne, shacking, eye problems ect.. 

 I already had low self esteem and all that

didn't help one bit.

All I did was curse God through every step of the process,

I would continually say in my head and to myself

"If there even is a God...he must hate me"

I figured in my twisted little head,

that if God was real then he is causing all this to happen to me,

and he was getting some sort of sick pleasure out of it.

I can't even count the times my parents would talk about God,

and inside I'd be fueling with rage at even the mention of him.

I already had this mind set of "nobody can understand my pain"

before the transplant talks even came about,

and now I had my excuse, I had my muse to hold on to...

Now it really was true...

My parents...my brother...nobody around me could

understand my "pain/sorrow" or what I was going through

I was on my own, and if this life was all there was...what was the point?

why live? there's no God...no afterlife..it's all a bunch

of fairy tails to make people feel better.

I wanted a way out, I hated every aspect of my life,

and with everything that happened with hospital bills

and the move away from Idaho, and nobody who can understand.

I just felt like the biggest burden in the world,

I figured my family would have been better off if I was never born,

at least then they wouldn't have to be dragged through all this.

My flesh and sinful desires...my mind, every part of me

had lost control, and I was just a puppet satan had his way with.

Constantly he would whisper in my ear thoughts of death

and suicide. I remember holding a bottle of pills

and wondering; 'Why don't I just take them all and see what happens'

or holding a knife to my wrist before I started to just

sob uncontrollably and throw it to the ground.

There was never a time I ever felt in control

or in my mind felt at peace...It was always negative

I had some serious issues, and during these times..

I was writing "poetry" obviously not happy poetry like:

"roses are red violets are blue..."

more along the lines of..

"If there comes a time when I look into your Gods face. 

                                          I'll spit in it....Just to give him a taste. 

                                           Of his empty words upon fallen grace. "

reading that now..and looking back on all I've written down

I feel disgusted, and ashamed that I ever thought that way.

You see I use to write alot, and when I say alot...

I mean daily, I use to write for a couple years straight

on a community poetry site. People would rate and comment,

and I remember the only time I felt any sort of happiness was

when I was writing all this crap, and people seemed to enjoy it.

It seemed there was finally people who could relate and understand,

and writing these rants and raves against God and pain

just inflated my ego. I remember with a bible in my hand

I would thumb through it just so I could twist

and distort it into my own messed up view, and please

the people who were reading my crap.

Believe it or not at this low point

is actually the time I started finding Christ

for something started happening when I was reading..

It seemed as if sometimes I'd open it and right there,

there was a verse I needed to hear.

The scales started to fall from my eyes,

and I do remember asking God one time

"if you are real God...prove it"

and nothing magical happened,

he didn't appear in front of me and slap me in the face or anything

( he should have...cuz I needed one)

It took awhile, but through his own timing and through his will..

my life started to change, and His word, which I was trying to distort,

started to actually make sense.

Like I said alot of things through those years are kind of fuzzy,

and even now I can't truly explain how it happened...

but I started to realize I never really gave him a chance.

Even though I was going through a lot, not only could it have

been much worse, but I could start to see

how much he protected me, and just how much he loved me.

Like I said it wasn't just one moment where I just sat up,

and I was like "OMG I SEE THE LIGHT!"

no...for me it happened very slowly, and my

writing started to change, I didn't set out

to change how I was writing or feeling...

It just sort of happened. I've kept almost everything

I have ever written, and when I reread it..

most of the time I shake my head at how lost and blind I really was,

but also I can see how slowly but surely a change happened.

Now I'm not saying wam bam I became a Christian and a follower,

no because I had a lot to learn,and I still do.

I know once I started to seek God more

it pissed Satan off to no end, it just seems

like one bad thing after another would happen if I even tried to know him more.

This is where Kidney rejection came along,

and it was a major test for me, which I failed miserably.

Now we were all back in Idaho by this time,

I started seeking God more and out of nowhere

working at a new Job things going pretty good...

BAM I miss a couple doses of pills and I'm back in a hospital bed

getting pumped full of prednisone through an IV, and doctors

telling me I may have to get another transplant in a couple years.

Telling me that a good portion of my Kidney is just useless now,

and they are now not sure how long this good part will last.

I remember one of the trips to the hospital

I didn't want to hear anything about God...not from

my dad not from my mom not from anyone,

and I remember my mom telling me

"This is just a test...be strong..Job this and Job that"

and in my head i'm thinking 

"F--- Job..."

I remember standing on a scale being weighed by the nurse,

and it came up being 66.6 Kg's I remember the nurse saying

"Oh..um..lets wait a second until that number changes"

looking back now I can see it truly was a test,

I'm not saying God was saying 

"Ha Ha! I will test your faith now!"

I'm saying satan was pissed and he was going to do anything

to try and get me to go back to denying Christ.

It worked...for a short while..

but praise God for he again reached down and picked me up...

he dusted me off and said "I love you"

even when I kept saying "I hate you!"

he loved me...and that kind of love..

his sacrifice, him dieing for all of us

is just something that truly is amazing...

because as you can see by reading this

I didn't, nor do I now... deserve his Love..

I just found this artist and song last week,

and I thought this was totally fitting...

Because it truly is to my surprise that I am where I am right now,

that God never gave up on me, even though I gave up on him..

The clock strikes 3 A.M. now, speak
Stone cold, I've suffered much defeat
How could you look at what I am
with grace, forgiveness now at hand?
Quickly come, let me fall now in your arms

To my surprise you heard my cries,
Lord Jesus rescue me
To my surprise you gave your life
Lord Jesus rescue me

Caught up in what I've tried to hide
Regret lives on I can't deny
Though camouflaged the truth reveals
this emptiness, it will not yield
Do not tarry Lord I waiver
Do not tarry I can not resist
This time you must aid, assist
Quickly come, let me fall now in your arms

To my surprise you heard my cries,
Lord Jesus rescue me
To my surprise you gave your life
Lord Jesus rescue me

I'm falling in surrender,
I'm falling, falling 

|†| Sin of Depression |†|

The Enemy pursues me,

he crushed me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in darkness

like those long dead.

So my spirit grows faint within me;

my heart within me is dismayed.

                                   Psalms 143:3-4

I want anyone who reads this to realize..

Satan does not want you to be happy.

I'm sure you are saying;

"Gee skippy..thanks for pointing out the obvious"

and yes with what i've been talking about

the past couple weeks, with being positive and sin

and blah blah blah..it's pretty much common sense,

but I really didn't start looking closely at these things

until recently. It's probably because I started reading

a book called 'Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyer,

Which I will point out was given to me by my mother

to read, probably 4 or 5 years ago.

(which was a time where I was not a believer per say)

Now the book was given to me to read

because I was struggling with negative thoughts,

and depression, which I thought I was hiding pretty well,

more then likely I was just in denial, anyways

when she gave it to me and I found out it was by

Joyce Meyer, pretty much instantly my mind was shut off.

I knew Joyce Meyer as (in my eyes) the crazy lady on TV

my mother would sometimes watch, and if you don't know

her she is a tv evangelist, I'm still not a fan

nor do I watch her but something led me to finally start reading it.

I did read the first couple of chapters when it was first given to me,

but like I said my mind was shut off already before I even started reading,

It's like if you were to give an atheist a bible and tell them to read

they're just going to read it as a bunch of crap and fairy tails.

After I read the first couple of chapters I was like;

"Oh..what a freakin genius 'think positive thoughts'

'the devil doesn't want you to be happy' what a bunch

of typical christian hog wash"

So I didn't even bother reading any farther,

for in my eyes thinking positive was a bunch of crap..

I'm negative and nothing can change that, that was my view,

Also "Try walking in my shoes, then tell me to be positive"

was another way I would put it. Now It's safe to say

i've read pretty much all of it( couple of chapters to go)

and it got me thinking, God wants us to be happy right?

so why would he want us to dwell on the negative?

why would he want us to be depressed?

personally I'm not saying we should be blind,

and walk around thinking every-things all sunshine and lollipops,

because those kind of people annoy me(sorry) but

what I am saying is...we should recognize God has a plan,

everything truly does happen for a reason even

if we can't see the forest through the trees.

God wants us to lay every worry and burden on him,

he wants us to trust him.

 The first verse that really ever got to me

was Matthew 11:28.. 

"come to me all you who are weary and burden,

and I will give you rest"

we are going to struggle, and we are going to fall down..

the difference between God and Satan is simple..

God wants to love you and lift you up,

Satan on the other hand wants to keep you down..

as the verse we started with says..

"He crushes me to the ground"

That negative you hear in your head,

that voice that is usually the loudest

"I would do this or that, but I just know something bad will happen"

"You're not good enough!"

"You're ugly, fat,stupid ect.."

"Why try...you're just going to fail"

thats satan..whispering in your ear...

some of us have things we've struggled with since child hood,

and it's not going to be easy to break those walls down,

in fact the only one who can is God...but it's not going

to be a walk in the park once you find God.

Even when you recognize Christ died for every sin,

that he loves you and just wants a relationship...

guess what? satan is still going to be there whispering..

when you sin, and you fall down( and you will)

it's easy for us to stay there and become disgusted...

become so depressed that we never recover.

That's where satan wants to keep you...

'dwelling in darkness' as the Psalms verse explains.

Satan will then start whispering more things like..

"How can God love you?"

"He doesn't love you, you're a sinner..a failure"

"He's disgusted by you, he died for you 

and all you do is slap him in the face"

"Why even bother praying for help?

He's not going to listen to you

because you failed him"

Thats when we can lose all hope..

we can stop seeking and praying,

all because we listen to satan and our negative thoughts..

about how we are not good enough.

The fact is we will never be good enough..

we don't deserve Christs love...

I don't care who you are, we all deserve hell.

Yes you heard me right, we all deserve hell...

but God loves us..why? I have no Idea why..

what does the verse pretty much everyone in the world knows say?

good ol John 3:16

"For god so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,

that whoever believes in him shall not perish

but have eternal life"

Do we deserve eternal life? no...

Do we deserve such love? no...

but the fact of the matter is we got it,

does anyone truly ever try to comprehend such love?

I don't claim to be special or all knowledgeable

I make mistake after mistake,

and I get those whisperings from Satan..

telling me I am not good enough and I don't deserve Gods love..

BUT praise God for he shows me one way or another

 that he still loves me. Sometimes I even remember to say

"Yeah you're right Satan...I don't deserve His love,

but I got it, and there's nothing you can say to keep me from Him"

Don't let the devil mess with your thought process,

when you hear his negative spin...rebuke him.

Tell him where he can go... =)

As for thinking positive...

I know it's easier said then done for alot of us,

it's a long learning process to just let go

and let God take care of everything,

specially when God sometimes likes to wait 

until the last minute =)

I'm not claiming to never be negative..

or never fall down and get depressed..

I'm just trying to lend a helping hand,

I'm trying to remind you of the fact that God

does love you, and he will help you no matter

what you have done. All you got to do

is acknowledge he is your savior, and truly

understand all things are possible...

don't say that like I use to and

"hope" all things are possible

KNOW all things are possible through God.

It may not happen right away,

the things you ask God to take away.

But dwelling and leaning on God..

he promised he would lift every burden and he will be there for us..

don't let the negative and worry destroy your life..

for what does worry stress and negative ever get you?

All it does is bring you lower and lower,

and sometimes so low that you wonder what's

the point of it all, and why even bother living...

trust me I was at that point for years, and you don't get

those years back. Being negative doesn't help you...

worrying and stress takes life.. it doesn't add to it.

I know I sound like some kind of after school special,

maybe a suicide help line...all I can say is

I've been there and the only way out... was Jesus Christ.

What should our reaction be when trouble and

depression rear there ugly head?

Well lets finish what it says in Psalms 143..

I remember the days of long ago;

I meditate on all your works

and consider what your hands have done.

I spread out my hands to you;

my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails.

Do not hide your face from me or I will

be like those who go down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word of your

unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul.

                             Psalms 143:5-8

This is the example of what we should do..

when we are weighed down with depression

from worry stress and the negative thoughts.

Plain and simple...you pray,

acknowledge who and what God is..

that he is love, and that you know he will take care of you..

for him to come quickly and save you,

not hoping he does but KNOWING he will.

Praise and worship the Lord...

yes even when things are not going your way

you praise and worship the Lord.

 For it's easy for a person to say "I Love God!"

when things are all happy happy joy joy...

but when trouble comes..if we just turn to him

 and still show the love inside...

then how true our Love for him is..

as when God saw his creation in trouble and distress

for not following the law he established..

He sent Jesus Christ out of Love to

die for every sin we would ever commit.

Here is a little something that came to me..

while I was listening to 'Panic Switch' by Silversun Pickups.

To my knowledge... not a Christian band,

and the song had nothing to do with this,

but somewhat following the tempo of the song these lyrics

came into my mind..

(I'll post the video for the song aswell)

I've seen your heart ache

pulling you down this time

and the pain written on your face

is it all just a phase

or will you always be this way

falling into your own place

where you wont let go

where you refuse to see

because you refuse to be

†

**Do you see someone else

when you look at yourself

are you held captive in your own mind?

bleeding and screaming to feel this time..

Will you look to me

just go ahead and lean

read and understand

I wont let you down

When will you wake up..

When will you see..

I love you, and I forgive...

 I'll lift you out of the mess your in..**

I see you down

wont you stand up now

reach for the light

get up and fight

Don't burn through

every memory of you

eye's turn against you

piercing through your soul

and now you are not whole

digging a deeper hole

I'll be right there

waiting for you now

to look up to me

and I'll pull you out

†

**Do you see someone else

when you look at yourself

are you held captive in your own mind?

bleeding and screaming to feel this time..

Will you look to me

just go ahead and lean

read and understand

I wont let you down

When will you wake up..

When will you see..

I love you, and I forgive...

 I'll lift you out of the mess your in..**

tears roll down

 can't recognize yourself now

you've built a wall

a self created down fall

Will you see yourself

through my eyes

or hold on to the lies

won't you be

all that I can see

won't you wake up

from your sleep

when will you have enough

of your self deprecating crutch